What If We Don't Agree?

Healthy families work best when the adults (whether married or divorced, co-parents, stepparents, relatives, or caregivers) are able to make rules together and stick with them. Parents who work as a team can provide healthy, consistent leadership for their kids.
Here are some ideas to help you stick together when it comes to boundaries and expectations:

1) Make rules you all believe in, and support your joint decisions. Sticking together means working out your differences well enough to agree on a common plan to present to your kids. Children become confused and may “take sides” when they have two or more “bosses” giving them different rules.

2) Negotiate your differences. Negotiating isn’t easy. Each parent must to be willing and able to communicate directly with the other about how they feel, what they want, and why. This involves listening to each other and being open to compromise.

3) Be clear about who is responsible to parent each child (and who isn’t). Most two-parent households have an overall agreement that they share responsibility for parenting their kids. Sometimes other people help with caring for the children. These might be divorced co-parents, stepparents, grandparents, or other unrelated adults living in the home. No matter who is in the family, it is important to be clear about the role and responsibility of each adult. Kids and teens deserve to know who their “bosses” are.

4) Single parents: talk over your decisions with an adult you trust. Parenting is too hard to do alone. All parents, especially single parents, must give themselves time apart from their kids to think out ideas and get support from a co-parent, a good friend, a family member, a pastor, or a counselor.

It’s normal for children to resist and test your rules. But if you work together as parents and support each other, you’ll have the best chance to avoid power struggles, fights, and bad feelings.


Sara Mast, LMSW is an instructor/trainer for the Family Wellness courses offered through Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services, where she provides outpatient therapy and manages the Caring Communities program.